oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
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him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming