I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
You Might Also Like
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My wife gives the best headache.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
jesus, what did this guy do
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks