[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
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Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
boat question
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*