I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
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Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.