me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
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“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.