HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
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[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”