My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
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There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
be careful
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?