Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
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Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way