hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
When they try to steal your moment.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.