I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
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ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner