WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.