Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
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You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
me irl
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris