me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
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Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Breaking news:
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter