Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
You Might Also Like
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Breaking news:
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium