“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
We need more people like this.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.