Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
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What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
hmmm
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?