Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
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“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️