Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
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“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
scared to check what name she chose
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*