My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
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INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
How do you like your Corgi?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Me if I was a dog
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Do not levitate over flowers
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.