[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
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I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?