This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
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I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.