Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
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Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists