Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
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“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
step 6: release the wall snake
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone