Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
You Might Also Like
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?