*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
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The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
found this cool rock hiking today
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.