eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.