Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
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You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*