My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!