It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
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Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
birds and squirrels envy us
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area