I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
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The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!