Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
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Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
My love language is deader than Latin
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.