[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
You Might Also Like
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Me, flirting😏
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs