me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
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Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Good morning.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Before & after 😅
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?