Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
“HELP WITH CAT”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.