If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
A dead goose is called a ghoost