Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
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Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.