I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
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I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
broke down and did it
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.