Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
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Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”