Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
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LMAO
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Name another movie that mislead you?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.