If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
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[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
another case of gang violins
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.