ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
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Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Only Americans understand
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?