Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
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Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I have never related to anyone more.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Good Morning.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?