To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
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I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!