Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
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I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.