Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
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*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I enjoy a good short stor
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat