The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator