I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I feel attacked.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Stop being racist to kettles.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out