WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.