The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
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“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Stick it to the man
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores