BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
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Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”